So, every year from Thanksgiving on, I focus on how much fun I’ve had that year, how sad I am to leave that year, and a very specific list of things I want to accomplish in the upcoming year.
This time last year, I had just predicted (accurately I might add) my company was going to tank and had decided that I wanted to move. I’ll be honest a year later that the move was more about a desperately needed change of scenery to get my head on straight again than a job. Having to simultaneously deal with a chronic diagnosis, the shock of the diagnosis, the suicide of a loved one, the fallout/litigation from the suicide, a brother’s deployment, worrying about how said brother was handling said family member’s suicide (happened a month after he returned), friends that were continually putting me in bad situations, and a few douchebags thrown in the mix…is a lot. And I was being pulled in about 400 different directions which was allowing me to quite successfully avoid dealing with any of them. I was pretty much just going through the motions.
My goals for 2009?
1. Get out of Greenville.
2. Get healthy- physically and emotionally.
3. Eliminate all bitchy and douchey people.
And well…mission accomplished.
It hasn’t necessarily been pretty. And that’s putting it nicely. Ironically, in spite of the physical, the hardest part has been #3. I wound up in tears on my birthday because of someone and (3 weeks ago!) was called” a spoiled little girl who uses guys to fill a void and feed an ego.” LOL. Taking a step back now, I wonder why in the world I was even friends with several people in the first place and oh dear God, isn’t the saying “you’re only as good as the company you keep?”
So, walking through Target this morning and seeing Christmas decorations threw me back into thinking about 2009 and what I want from 2010.
2009 has sucked. Totally. I’m not sad to see it leave. Sure, I’ve had some moments of pure fun and sure, I accomplished my goals and sure, I have totally set myself up both physically and emotionally to move on with my life, RA and all, better than I ever could have in Greenville with the circus down there. But getting to that place and finally dealing with all that crap has been extraordinarily painful. But painful in a good way….it needed to happen because I feared it would come down to deal with it now or massively implode at some point in the future.
I’m at a point where I’m ok with myself and I’m ok with the things that have happened to me. But I still feel a little breakable and I’m not willing to put myself in any situation that involves emotional stress or drama.
So rather than put pressure on myself with a very specific set of goals for 2010 that I will continually beat myself up about, I only want this: to finally be able to move on from ALL above situations and to finally feel like myself again.
This is completely not RA related.
Yep, a couple of weeks ago when I decided to decline 2 invitations to various beaches and decided that I would NOT be going to the annual party I go to for July 4th at a friends in Greenville, I was psyched.
3 glorious days with not a damn thing to do. 3 glorious days with no obligations. 3 glorious days by myself.
On July 5th, I will tell you this: I am driving myself crazy. I have been shopping, I have been walking in the park twice, I have watched every movie I have and have cursed Netflix for only letting me have 3 movies at a time. All the books on my shelves? Read them. The only things I haven’t done: unpack more, clean, and laundry.
I guess it’s part of being in a new town- at first I was psyched to not have any obligations (you know….because I don’t have any friends) but now I’m over it. And 3 days alone with my thoughts have not necessarily been a good thing.
Sigh. Bring on the laundry.
I’m afraid to say definitely because the past few months have been like being on a roller coaster with a stomach full of candy apples, corn dogs, and blue slushy. Blllleeeeecccchhh. Don’t you appreciate my visuals?
I like my job. It’s nice to have a job where I don’t have to manage anyone, have measurable goals that don’t change by the hour, and don’t wonder on my drive in if I’m going to get there to find the doors chained shut.
I love my condo. It’s in an old neighborhood- very Gone With The Wind esque with gigantic gracious trees, old massive houses, and (what I’m most excited about) A PARK that I can walk to in less than 5 minutes that has free outdoor concerts several nights a week. I do not love having to fit a 3 bedroom house into a 2 bedroom condo. But I do love the $500 I’ve made on Craigslist in the past 2 weeks.
My RA is doing better. I’ve spent the past few months feeling like I was getting ready to flare and then nothing would come of it. And then feeling like I was getting ready to flare and then nothing would come of it. Rinse and repeat. I still feel a little bit of it but not as badl. I live next door to a friend from college who has celiac disease and she’s teaching me about gluten free diets. I’m thinking about giving it a whirl but probably won’t. This girl loves her carbs! My friend is also super into yoga and I’m probably going to try that, if I can find a class that isn’t competitive. The last class I went to felt that way so that’s why I haven’t gone back.
I’m a little worried because my new health insurance doesn’t kick in until Sept 1st and I have exactly enough Humira to get through as long as I stick to bi-weekly. Knock on wood please!
All in all, off to a good start. I think.
So, I know I’ve talked about how I wait with guys to mention RA until either it comes up naturally or I decide they’re worthy of knowing. But, until now, unless you’re dating me, I’m actually very open with my RA because why not, you know?
A couple years ago, the company I worked for prior to the job I just left was one of those rah, rah, rah, we’re the best and if you leave, you might as well kiss any career aspirations goodbye because the only job you’ll be able to get will involve a pole, some lucite heels, and lots of hand sanitizer. So, you can imagine what happened when I left because I (gasp) got a better job….they trashed the hell out of me. I heard from a friend that still worked there that it was said that I quit because I had personal problems, because I had a failed relationship with a coworker and couldn’t stand working near him, and because I was a pill popper. Let me give you the short version: my brother was in Iraq (personal problems), at the company Christmas party, I shoved a male coworker because he kept biting my neck and trying to grope me under the table (failed relationship), and I always have Aleve on me due to RA (pill popping). Is anyone else reminded of a really mean-spirited game of telephone?
The job I had after (the one I have just left, hope this isn’t too confusing) had that one douchebag that continually called me “Gimpy” and thought it was hysterically funny. Now let me give you a great mental picture of the day he finally broke me: me in full professional attire, livid, walking calmly to the kitchen to where I knew his 6 pack of Diet Coke was in the fridge and shaking them all like Polaroid pictures. It was glorious.
So that brings me to this job. I’ve always been really open about it. It doesn’t bother me for anyone to know. But for some reason, I’m just really not comfortable discussing it with these coworkers. It’s nothing about them- they’re all great- I don’t really know what it is. I guess I just don’t want people to judge me on it or talk about me because of it. And it’s making me feel like a liar. My boss commented on my swollen knuckle the other day. I just shrugged it off and said I hit it hard when I was moving. I really don’t like this. But I feel SOOOO self conscious about it too.
I know that everytime lately I talk with you it is to ask for something. I apologize for our recent conversation in which I used the phrase “f-ing crazy.” I realize that the use of this word in the context of prayer is entirely inappropriate; in my defense, I was trying to emphasize- I think we all agree that there is a different level of wack associated with “f-ing crazy” rather than just plain old normal “crazy.” I digress.
I have a small bone to pick with you. Did you really have to give me RA AND chronic klutziness to deal with simultaneously? I realize you have a great sense of humor as evidenced by the platypus and by Kate Gosselin’s reverse mullet. (Well done.) But would it be possible to give me strength, balance, or at the very least good sense to realize that walking down a wet, grassy incline in heels is a VERY.BAD.IDEA? Can’t a girl catch a break? No, scratch that. I don’t feel comfortable using the word “break” in context of falling and RA. Sheesh.
Also, I apologize for using the F word again when my butt hit the concrete. But I am very appreciative that I only have a bruise to show for it.
That’s all for now.
Just majorly in transition right now and kinda freaking out. You see, I’ve been in Greenville for 11 years. I moved there in 1998 to go to college and just never left. I knew moving was going to rock my world but I didn’t imagine I would be this on edge. But I like my job, found a great condo near downtown, and am working on the friend thing. Right now, I’m feeling pretty alone and lonely. But all in good time. First, I have to get the rest of my stuff here. That happens Saturday.
Oh, and the feline relocation was terrible. She bit and scratched me getting into the carrier and cried for 2 hours. Fun, fun!
More coming soon….