My 2019 tumble

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Definitely the first, hopefully the one and only.

Falling is one of my greatest fears. With permanent joint damage in my wrists, the thought of forcefully propelling all my body weight on to them is terrifying.

In the grand scheme of things, this wasn’t a bad fall. You’d think I would hurt myself on a house project but no, I was quite literally taking out my trash and on my way back in, tripped over my own dang feet.

I tripped, stumbled a few steps while trying to catch myself, and finally landed on wrists and knees on my concrete porch.

And…I was fine. Wrists were sore for a few minutes but they caught me. Knees…

A tad bit banged up but again, only tender for a few minutes.

I was lucky. Very lucky. And strangely, I was also pleased.

An issue I’ve been struggling with a lot over the past few years is that I don’t give my body any credit. For anything. I don’t trust it. I think it’s incapable of doing lots of things and even basic things like keeping me safe.

I’m certainly not saying that I WANT to fall. Definitely not! But I’m just so tired of being scared of my body letting me down again.

I think that’s one of the hardest things of being stable- fear. Fear about a lot of things but for purposes of this conversation, fear that my body is unable to perform basic functions.

Relearning what your body can now do, when you’re not currently struggling with active symptoms, is hard. It’s funny, I pushed it a lot when I was struggling…kinda like an eff the man kinda thing. And now that the symptoms are gone, I’m all mama bear. From an intellectual level, I think it’s perfectly reasonable about being mama bear for say…skydiving. But perhaps not so reasonable to be mama bear and say no to things like a hike with friends. Which has happened.

I’ve always had anxiety issues. Team Zoloft! (Not an ad lol.) But it’s been very surprising that I’m actually MORE anxious now than before.

I’m trying to find inspiration and security in little things, and this tumble has actually given me some perspective.

But let’s not do that again!

5 responses »

  1. I fell yesterday. Nothing serious, just a boneheaded mistake too. It didn’t hurt at the time but soon turned into a mild soreness. I’m (hopefully) on the tail end of a flare up and hopefully this didn’t make it worse.

  2. LOL – i was thinking reading the first part of that, ‘What happened to crazy girl, who used to go off on ridiculous treks to prove she could do it … and then put herself in bed for a week?’ I think mamma bear is an improvement on crazy girl to be honest, but yeah … you have to find that balance!! I’m a bit too mama bear with pacing myself – but then I’ve never been a let my hair down and party sorta gal so I guess it suits me. I have absolutely NO useful advice about finding that balance I’m afraid – but I wish you the best of luck in finding it and in NOT falling again … however useful it was in getting perspective!

  3. I’m really glad you weren’t hurt badly, Amanda! Whew! But I get, exactly, what you’re talking about here. When you’ve been at “war” for years over years, it’s tough to put down your sword during the “peace.” Like you, I’m always expecting another “attack.”
    Sending hugs your way.

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