I will finally admit it. As much as I try to blog about staying positive and having fun despite having RA, I am in the process of pulling myself out of a major self loathing anxiety ridden episode of depression.
Unfortunately, I think that many of us experience the co-existence of depression and chronic illness and while I want to always be positive and funny, I guess I figured that nobody would want to hear about being sad.
Shame on me. I blog, of course, to make connections with other people but also because it helps me process to see it written down somewhere.
I’ve also tried to be as realistic as possible so why in the world would I not write about this very real part of it?
Maybe because I needed to let it happen for awhile before I was willing to start processing it.
So what am I depressed about?
I really don’t know. I think it’s just a culmination of chronic illness, trying to do everything for everyone all the time, trying to be in 10 places at once, working and stressing about work far too much, and letting people take advantage of me.
It’s a lot.
I find myself in a position where I’m continually exhausted, where I get home from work and have absolutely no energy to do anything (including blogging), where I’m avoiding friends because I just don’t feel like going anywhere, and where my body is hurting because stress makes my symptoms so much worse.
Of course, the rational reactions I’ve had (screaming and throwing a double bird) to seriously important and life altering events (a homeless dude who jaywalked in front of my car on a quiet street carrying a case of beer) definitely make me a good time to hang out with.
Everybody loves the crazy angry girl!
Or at least everyone loves someone crazy!
Maybe it’s my bodys way of saying HEY YOU! YOU! Yeah, YOU with the blond (strawberry blond right now, thank you epic fail at touching up the roots yourself) hair! You’re not taking care of me! You’re trying to make me do an Ironman where I’m really only in proper form for a 10k! You’re not feeding me properly. You’re not giving me enough sleep. Sure, you bathe me but I could really use some exercise. And since you’re not giving me this, I’m going to make it so that all you feel like doing is getting into bed and crying.
Dude, body. I’d much prefer a good old fashioned bitch slap.
I had a moment with a good friend recently where everything kinda fell apart. And by fell apart, I mean that she asked me how my day was and I literally fell apart. I hadn’t realized until then how bad I was…and it was a good, much needed cry that ended with a long walk and a cup of tea.
So what am I doing right now? I am making damn well sure I get MY time. While I usually do a gratitude challenge for myself in November, now I’m taking time everyday to do 3 things for myself. Something I want to do, something for my health, and something to set me up for a good day tomorrow.
Today, it was a long hot bath and some yoga stretches. And I fully intend to dream about People’s new Sexiest Man Alive tonight so chalk that up to starting tomorrow happy!
Slowly but surely.