Alternate title: The post where my writing makes my lawyer friends cringe.
23 February, 2011
You are hereby put on notice that as of 23, February 2011, you are in breach of our contract dated 13 January, 2011. The nature of said breach is:
-Consumption of more than 3 glasses of wine per seven day period beginning on a Sunday during the period of 13 January- 23 February, 2011 bordering on perceived mocking of said contractual clause.
-Consumption of three jars of Tostitos medium queso WITHIN A THREE DAY PERIOD. Also, over consumption of “comfort foods” during a cold. Contract to be modified to allow some comfort foods but never again will daily meals consist of pancakes, grilled cheese, and baked spaghetti. Boo hoo hoo…you didn’t feel good…NONE OF THESE ARE GLUTEN FREE.
-Blatant disregard for physical activity or cleaning provision of contract. BLATANT disregard.
It is our desire to inform you of the foregoing and demand that you cease and desist the above behaviors to cure said breach. You are already being held responsible for all damages arising from said breach in the form of increased joint pain due to the introduction of gluten and alcohol into your body, increased fatigue due to glutens and lack of physical activity, loss of favorite clothing due to inability to put up laundry leading to you not being able to find a damn thing, and lost opportunities to regain strength and increase mobility through responsible exercise. You may be held responsible for additional damages arising from said breach.
You have until 23 March, 2011 to cure said breach, after which we will be forced to further recognize that your own decisions are in no way helping your health.