I’m pretty disappointed in myself.
I went to get a massage last week. I used to get them weekly and then my financial realities caught up with me and I scaled back to 1-2 times a month. I have seen a significant benefit to my RA and to back and shoulder pain I sometimes have from spending a lot of time in a car and at a computer. It’s a lot of money, yes, but totally worth every penny. I’ve been crazy busy this fall and haven’t had a chance to go in awhile. I was shocked to find out it had been two months! After we were done, my therapist mentioned that a knot in my back we had worked really hard to get rid of had come back and inquired if I had been doing the stretches she recommended.
Of course not. Because that would make too much sense!
If it were just an isolated incident, I wouldn’t be so mad at myself. But I have a pattern of really getting into something, really working hard at it, and then just completely blowing it off.
When I eat strictly gluten free, I feel better. I have more energy. I sleep better. I lose weight and feel more confident. I even save money because I stop going out to eat. When I take yoga or pilates or even just have a consistent workout schedule, I feel better. I have more energy. I sleep better. I lose weight and feel more confident. I feel stronger. When I take my medications like I’m supposed to, I feel better. But I’ve never been able to do them all simultaneously and I can always find a reason to NOT do those things. When I’m really into eating better, I justify not working out. When I’m working out a lot, I justify eating like crap. And I can ALWAYS find a reason to not take my methotrexate- everything from someone at the office is sick to I really want to drink a bottle of wine tonight.
And then I make a joke about it. But it’s really not terribly funny if you think about it. I’m being a bad patient, wasting my time and money, and also wasting the time of my doctor. Not funny at all!
To be brutally honest, I did a pretty lousy job of taking care of myself in 2009 and the first part of this year and I truly believe that this contributed directly to my medication not working anymore and this horrendous flare. Sure, I had just moved and sure, I had some seriously upsetting job and personal drama go down that I had to work through but you can work through tough stuff without neglecting meds, eating like crap, and drowning your sorrows in lots of sugary caffeinated drinks and alcohol. And sweetheart, telling people that you grew up in a town that has two brands of cigarettes named after it doesn’t make it ok for you to do if you know what I mean.
I have all the tools. But there’s a giant disconnect in getting myself to use them.
I just don’t get why it’s so hard for me.
At work, I have yearly goals I have to make. These goals involve multiple variables and I check my progress on them weekly, sometimes even daily. And you know what happens if I consistently don’t hit them? Well, I wouldn’t have a job. When I do hit them, I get more money. It’s a very complex concept. 🙂
This year I hit all my goals and while I’m berating myself over the massage/back stretches/gluten free failures of recent, I’m trying to decide if I’d like a new bedroom set or new living furniture with my bonus.
Why oh why in the world can I be so organized and focused at hitting goals at work and so downright avoidant in applying the same structure to something as crucial as my health?
It obviously works for me at work.
I’m usually very loath to make New Year’s resolutions. I’ve always believed that it sets you up for failure. Probably because I’ve never taken them seriously. But now I’m thinking that I need the structure.
So for 2011, my resolution is to put it all together. I have to. It’s just too important for me to piddle around with anymore. I know what I need to do and how to do it. I just need to make it happen and I need to be held accountable to it.
I’ve been studying gluten free for awhile and stumbled upon the Paleo Diet. I will be starting the whole 30 with a few friends on January 1st. I have also bought myself a month pass to a new yoga studio I really like. It’s only good for a month. So my plan for now is to take it month by month- seeing if I can do it just for January and then extending beyond. I will be doing weekly updates and will be very honest if I’m cheating- I will probably yet again laugh about it if I do cheat.
Wish me luck! I welcome any and all suggestions!
Happy 2011 to you all!