Dear Amanda- In-A-Flare,
Please print this out and carry it with you until your flare subsides. Just a few observations on your recent behaviors and maybe a few tips to make things easier for you once you’re no longer a whiny b*tch.
-Your home: I know you’re hurting and I know you’re tired but really…it is BAD FOR BUSINESS when it starts to look like an episode of Hoarders. FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, just put the dang clothes in the hamper. Seriously. This is only a little bit more effort than the floor and you can actually make it fun- aim for the basket. SLAM DUNK. *imagined people cheering.*
-Your kitchen: Just because you don’t feel good doesn’t mean that you are suddenly Paula Deen cooking up some comfort food. Nope, you’re Paula Deen getting hit with the ham….Amanda, you can barely boil water. So don’t put yourself through the stress of “I think I’d feel better if I made myself some corned beef with veggies” because even on the best day YOU ARE COMPLETELY INCAPABLE OF MAKING CORNED BEEF, then you’ll be upset about it, and then you will leave the dishes in the kitchen for days because you don’t feel like cleaning them up. And then the ants will get them.
-Showers: these should be taken daily.
-Those comfy sweat pants and the shirt with stains on it: should never be worn outside the home. Also, should never be worn INSIDE the home if people are coming over.
-Other people who piss you off: for the most part are not doing it on purpose. Please take a deep breath or a quick walk before deciding how to respondto them. Trust me on this one. Also, there is no conspiracy- never has been and probably never will be- so once and for all let this idea go. And finally, I realize you were really upset when that eighteen wheeler blew a retread on the highway directly in front of you. I realize that it was scary that you had no room to avoid it and were very lucky that you had to run over it and didn’t damage your car. HOWEVER, the appropriate response was to just stay put in traffic or pull off at the exit. NEVER EVER EVER should you furiously dial his safe driver line marked on the back of his truck while speeding up and angrily waving the phone at him so he could see what you’re doing. Please now go back and read that whole conspiracy bit again.
-Your mom: Should not be snapped at because you’re annoyed that she always says methotrOxate rather than methotrexate. Seriously, you’re being really petty. She’s asking about it because she cares and is concerned, remember what we just talked about regarding that whole conspiracy thing?
-Major life decisions: don’t go there. Just don’t.
Keep in mind that while things suck right now that there are a lot of people working hard to get you feeling better. In a month, this will all be a distant memory.