Hopeful?

I’ve had this awful feeling for the past five weeks of “just push through it.”  Telling myself “I know you don’t want to do it and I know you’re oh so tired but you have to do it anyways” about virtually every facet of my life has been exhausting.  And when I finish one of the things that I made myself go to, I am totally and utterly wiped.  Physically and emotionally. It is important to note that the things I’ve made myself go to with this mentality include but are not limited to: work, church, family functions, and early dinners with friends.

This weekend, I didn’t feel this way.

Friday after work, I went and got a massage.  I realized when I was undressing that I’ve been completely lax with certain things.  I’d like to publicly apologize to my massage therapist for the leg follage she had to touch.  And also for the thong.  I typically wear granny panties to massages so therapists don’t think I’m a whore…but I haven’t done laundry in three weeks so she should be grateful that it was at least clean.  Awkward.

I know you all were dying to know that. 

Then I had a quick dinner date with a guy I don’t really like.  Horrible, I know, but flare or no flare, it’s a recession and a girl’s got to eat.  Is it even more horrible that I totally dished about the RA to him in hopes of scaring him off?  And is the worst thing here that it didn’t phase him at all and while I should be impressed, I’m actually really annoyed?

Flares don’t necessarily bring out the best in me.

I was tired when I got home Friday evening and got in bed to watch a movie.  I actually slept through the night for the first time in a long time.  Yes,  I finally caved and took the Tramadol.

It was a hundred degrees here on Saturday.  I awoke mid morning to a text from a good friend asking if I’d like to go to the lake that afternoon.  I got up, made myself a cup of tea, and sat on the couch assessing my level of fatigue and the stiffness of my joints.  And then I had a rather uncharacteric (of lately) thought: why yes, I DO want to go to the lake today.  

Hhhhhmmmmmmm. Interesting.

The water at the lake was perfect and felt amazing on newly de-follaged legs and sore joints.  I’ve learned that my flares like heat. I was a little concerned about climbing in and out of the boat since I am weaker than normal but it wasn’t a problem.  My friends were concerned about weakness too and made sure I was always on either a tube or a raft and brought an ample supply of bottled water for me.

I hit a wall around 10 pm that evening but considering that I’d been outside since 3pm, that seemed pretty reasonable.  I was home and in bed by 11 and awoke still covered in lake water and SPF 2000 about 9am this morning.

I’ve been tired and sore today but not as much as usual and  I spent my day doing laundry and cleaning.

 Do you hear that sound? That sound? No, THAT one! What is that?

Oh right, the choirs of angels re: laundry.

Almost…but not quite.

I almost love this time of year.

The warmer weather (high 80’s for the past few days!), enjoying a glass of vino on the back patio after work, joints not being stiff and achy from the cold.  And then there’s all of that yellow stuff.  I left one of my clients this afternoon and witnessed a pollen tornado when the wind blew slightly. 

Allergies.  Ugh.

I got in my car and promptly called my eye doctor to order a new box of contacts so I can throw the ones currently caked to my eyes in the trash.

Pre RA, I had serious allergy issues starting in high school.  I was the unlucky butt of the high school gossip machine when, for a whole week during an especially rough allergy season, I threw up every morning in the high school bathroom.  Yes, they thought I was pregnant- friends, teachers, the whole lot of them- and even though I assured everyone that my boyfriend of the time and I were doing nothing that could even remotely cause a pregnancy, it was still highly awkward to have to field those questions, especially when my parents heard about it.  For the record, we realized after a week of this that it was caused by my taking a new prescription of allergy meds in the morning on an empty stomach.  The vomiting stopped when I started taking them at bedtime.  Yes, I’m still slightly defensive of this.

In college, I wound up having to take allergy shots and continued to do so for about five years.  The results were immediate- I remember calling my parents several months after I started them to inform them that I had just been on a hayride. Success!

I’ve always wondered about the interaction between allergy shots and RA.  I mean, I know that if you have serious issues with one thing of the autoimmune variety that it does predispose you to having serious issues with another.  When I was first diagnosed, I really wanted to go back on allergy shots to see if this would help.  I based this off of the fact that I had had such tremendous relief from allergies and that if the shots could train my body how to appropriately respond to allergens, then maybe just maybe it could retrain my body’s response with rheumatoid arthritis. 

I mentioned this to my first rheumatologist and he shot it down immediately.  Oh well.

Apparently, from what he told me, this could actually make it worse.  I can kinda see where he’s coming from with that- I guess that these are two different responses with one immune system- but I have always been curious.  An out of whack immune system is an out of whack immune system is an out of whack immune system, right?

So, while the allergies subsided, the RA ran wild.  My only solace is that allergies tend to change over time- I read somewhere that they run in seven year cycles- so I’m hoping that the RA will surprise me and do the same.

And for now, I will continue to almost love this time of year…with a healthy dose of Zyrtec.

Snow Day

I should be thankful for a quiet few couch days thanks to 2-3 inches of snow.(Which from those of you who have never been to NC, you should know that I’ve actually seen people put chains on tires at mention of a hard frost.  3 inches of snow = complete shutdown.)  

I should be…but I’m not.

I have some serious cabin fever.  I hit a point this morning where I thought “I’ve cleaned and organized everything possible.  Laundry is done. Cat has all new litter and is unwilling recipient of flea treatment. DVR has been watched and cleaned out.  WHAT DO I DO NOW?”

You see, I turned down not one, not two, but THREE things I really wanted to do this weekend because right now I’m still a little fearful for my joints.  Sure, I feel better.  Sure, the meds are working.  But bottom line is that they’re still swollen and thus more susceptible to injury.

I do not like missing out on fun.

So, big fat no to kayak sledding.  Which is exactly what it sounds like.  Sledding.  Down a snowy hill.  In a kayak. (Yes, I realize I’m 30 and entirely too old to do things like this.  In my  defense, I get to play in snow maybe once a year and therefore revert to my inner 8 year old self. An 8 year old girl with a Solo cup.) I foresaw myself crashing in a huge blaze of glory and breaking my fingers.

Another big fat no to going hiking today.  Although this wasn’t as hard of a no as kayak sledding was.  It would’ve involved me getting up entirely too early for a weekend morning.  Again, I saw myself falling and catching myself with my hands.

And finally, a big fat no to simply walking through the neighborhood in the freezing rain that was pelting us.  Which killed me.  I love walking in the snow and ice.  It’s so quiet and peaceful.  If it had been just snow, I would’ve been game.  But it was not.  And yet again, my fear was….slipping and falling.

So, I sat.  Enjoyed the snow from my window and sat on the back steps with my neighbors for awhile.

Maybe we’ll get another snow in a few weeks that I can more fully enjoy.

A VERY special request.

First and foremost, let’s support two of my favorite RA bloggers who have been nominated for Best Patient Blog 2009 over at medgadget!  You can vote once a day- need I say more???  So head on over to medgadget and vote for Rheuma Blog and Infinity- it is.  Gotta help our fellow RA-ers! Note: you can only vote once a day from one computer- to vote for both, I (hypothetically) voted for one on my home computer and the other on my work computer.  Not that I would ever advocate working the system.

Second, it’s been a super busy week and I don’t have much to say.  Well, that’s not true.  I just don’t have time to say it.  But to sum things up, I’m feeling better, work is wild, it was 70 degrees last weekend and this weekend we’re forecasted for lots of snow (what???), and the cat has fleas again.

ARE YOU READY FOR SOME FOOTBALL?

Last night, I went to the Panthers/Vikings game here in Charlotte.  I went, a little unenthusiastically because, let’s face it- we suck this year.  But I’ve been looking forward to this game all season mainly because I’ve always been a Brett Favre fan and didn’t want to miss a chance to see him play in person.  

Despite the fact that it was FREEZING and that I was wearing so many clothes that I felt like Ralphie’s little brother walking to school in A Christmas Story, I had so much fun because LAST NIGHT WE DIDN’T SUCK.  Shocker, right?!?  Actually, I think the newspaper this morning used the verbage “stunner.”  Whatever.  Same thing.

Anyway, I could go on and on about the morbidly obese Vikings fans who sat near us replete with Viking helmets and attached braids (B- list stripper grade hair extensions if you’re dying to know my opinion) or how well my strategy of keeping warm through numerous hot chocolates laced with obscene amounts of Bailey’s worked or how I learned that my finger joints that are effected apparently don’t like being  constricted with glove liners, gloves and a handwarmer shoved in.  But I won’t.  :)

Nor will I post the many pictures I took on my phone.  I got a really good one of Brett (we had REALLY good seats).  

But I wish my hands that were pissed at me would’ve cooperated fast enough to get the one picture on my phone that I was dying to take.  You see, during one of the breaks, there was a huge ad for the Arthritis Foundation.  HUGE.  ON SUNDAY NIGHT FOOTBALL!  I  drunkenly totally geeked out seeing it on the jumbotron!!!  But maneuvering my willfully defiant and heavily layered hands to unzip my side pocket, pull out my phone, unlock my key guard…..it just didn’t happen.

Ok, so I realize that the ad itself was tied to a corporate sponsor and only included a small blurb on what arthritis is with no mention of Rheumatoid Arthritis and that it  probably was only shown in the stadium but how cool is that!!!

I’ll take it however we can get it.  It’s a good place to start.

Operation Procrastination

So, it’s exactly one week until Christmas and I have only bought 1 Christmas gift.  And everywhere around me is getting snow while I’m getting copious amounts of rain mixed with snow and sleet.  Which I fear may freeze tonight.  Why am I so scared?  Is it because I live in a really old neighborhood with massive trees everywhere that like to fall during ice?  NO! I’m on edge because I have spent the last few days deciding who I will buy what for, mapping out what is at which store, and determining most efficient routes to each.  I then put together a firm itinerary beginning at 7:30 am tomorrow.  Estimated duration of holiday shopping expedition? 2 hours.  Which would put me home to laze around right about when shopping conditions begin to deteriorate.

So yes, I’M SCREWED!!!

You see, Christmas shopping this year is about as appealing to me as having lunch with Miley Cyrus, Lindsey Lohan, and Kate Gosselin.  Ugh.  The thought of that invokes serious cringing.  I’ll have a vodka tonic, hold the tonic, side of Valium please.

Is it the waiting in long lines on my oh so comfortable RA eroded feet?

Is it the lingering discomfort of carrying around lots of bags on a still extremely sore shoulder?

Is it the close proximity to hordes of people who let their children run wild? (Note: many of my friends have children.  There is “active normal kid bored in a store” behavior and then there is “he was whining because he missed his nap so I gave him a Red Bull, fruit roll-up, and cookies” behavior.  It is this second type to which I am referring.)

Is it the close proximity  of my suppressed immune system to hordes of people who are hacking, coughing, and generally spraying colds, flu, and swine flu in my path?

Is it because it’s extremely cold and I’m extremely tired/worn down and worrying that it might throw me into a flare?

Maybe it’s all, maybe it’s none.  Maybe I’m just a Grinch!

To whoever keeps making it freezing and rainy here…

MINUS TEN FOR YOU!!!!!!!!

My fingers are swollen, my feet hurt, and I feel really bad for that woman who cut me off in traffic this morning.  I forgive you for that if you forgive me for showing you a certain swollen finger, k?