Tag Archives: Flares (of temper)

Trying and failing to not to take things personally

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I limped in to Starbucks this morning to get my usual coffee and it was a bit more crowded than usual.  I was talking to my boss while I ordered and realized at some point after I told her to ‘hold on’ that I was getting some weird looks because I had my bluetooth in and my hair down.  So it totally looked like I was having a conversation with myself…and answering…and telling myself to wait so that I could order. 

What struck me as strange is that I couldn’t care less that it appeared to many people that I was chatting with the voices in my head. Nope, I was more concerned that they saw me limping.

Lately, I’ve been a little down and out on myself.  Having RA sucks and when you over-analyze things like I tend to do, you make life a whole heck of a lot harder for yourself than it should be.  

This past weekend, I went to my cousin’s wedding.  It took place in Virginia, on the banks of the Shenandoah, and she was beyond beautiful.  

Getting there was a challenge.  I’ve been traveling a TON lately and my RA is not as well controlled as I would like it to be.  I feel lousy. I tell you that because I’m hoping it’s because I’m burning the candle at both ends right now and that it will start behaving again. Like immediately.

Anyway, I only agreed to go to this wedding because I understood it to be a 4 hour drive.

It was a 7 hour drive.  One way.

You should probably also know that I refuse to watch wedding shows and romantic comedies.  Thank you recent heartbreaks.  And that I have avoided a lot of family events in recent years for other reasons.  And that I absolutely cannot stand the thought of anyone in my family noticing any sort of symptoms of RA in me or (gasp) commenting on them.  

So when I arrived at the hotel on Saturday, I sent my hot mess of a self to my room and took full advantage of the whirlpool tub.  It helped considerably both with making me more comfortable and calming me down.  

I arrived at the wedding site with my parents and brother.  Even though I was uncomfortable, I wore heels the whole time with no noticeable limping. 

And then the reception started.

There was really only one comment but it was enough to tick me off for the next three days. I expected a comment about marriage to which I had crafted a catch all response that was very truthful but didn’t give away much and would help me transition the conversation to ANYTHING else.  

But this is what I got:

“So, where’s your boyfriend?”  

“Oh, that was done awhile ago.”

“So where’s the new one?”

“There’s not one right now.  I’m just really focusing on getting myself together and that’ll come when it comes.”  Like it?  I thought it was good?

“You know, physiologically, the best age to have children is at age 19.”

“You know, I think they frown on that nowadays.”

“How old are you?”

“30.”

“Ohhhhhhhh…….”

My sweet grandmother jumped in and redirected the conversation right before I could respond with “so, how is your terminal cancer treating you?”

I stayed for probably another hour, fuming mad the whole time.  When I got back to the hotel, I took another bath and then dreamt about a boy I don’t need to be dreaming about.  And again last night.  And got emails referencing him yesterday and today.  WHAT IN THE WORLD.

He never actually said anything about my RA specifically.

And I have no way of knowing if said family member knows about my RA.  No idea.  He obviously didn’t know I was single.  Which leads me to believe that I’m not high on the family gossip hierarchy.  Which is awesome.  I also have no way of knowing if I would’ve been upset if he hadn’t said that in a way that I could easily link back to my health.  You can probably tell what I tacked on to the end of his sentence.

Thanks to the powers of my analytical skills, I felt like he threw it in my face which I am positive was not his intention.  He’s always been very blunt and not terribly PC but he’s never been malicious. 

I guess I need to get a better deflector statement and I need to have a serious talk with RA: it’s not all about you!

But it still hurts.

I’m tired.

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I’ve had a go go go past few weeks.

I have:

-Spent a week in CA for work. Going to bed at midnight CA time but waking up automatically at 645 NC time does not make RA happy.

-Drank too much tequila my last night in CA and flew back to NC with an extreme hangover.

-Hangover plus stiffness from traveling plus lack of sleep=mini flare.

-Slept for two days. Fitfully because random places keep swelling.

-Went to bluegrass festival in the boonies.  Was the only ‘non-hippie’ there. LOL.  Was made to stand in the back of the bus on ride back to parking area.To quote my friend, “how do you feel being made to stand not just in the back of the bus, but in the back of THIS bus?”  Laughed hysterically and blasted Outkast on the way home. 

-Learned from this situation that even if I’m in a flare, I don’t hurt as bad if I do something I want to do vs something I have to do.  Would this be called selective RA? Ha.

-Hit my highest personal production my office has ever seen.

-Had to deal with some growing pains due to my increased production.  But growing pains because of increased production = good whereas growing pains caused by shrinking production = not good. 

-Stress from high production and growing pains = skipping lunch, not drinking enough water, increased fatigue.  Continued random pains.

-Found out our company’s chief sales officer (who is kind of scary…but very nice in person) would be spending a day with me….the day before she got there….and wanted to go with me on several client appointments. No stress.  While dealing with a mini flare.

-Pulled said appointments out of my rear.  Still not quite sure how I did that with such big prospects and such little notice.  Mini flare became ‘congratulatory flare.’

-Screwed up my Humira injection- it clicked like it normally does when it’s done.  It was not.  Spraying approximately $1200 worth of Humira all over your kitchen is not good for flare.  Or temper.

-Had my direct supervisor in town Monday – Wed this week.  Direct supervisor is a hoot but a horrible driver.  I thankfully did not get carsick.  Again.  Jolting around in a car for three days is not good for mini flare.

This weekend, I head to my cousin’s wedding.  If you don’t sense excitement, you may be correct.  Nothing against my cousin.  I love her and I’m very happy for her. But the last thing I want to do is to spend more time in a car, more time on my feet, making small talk dodging questions about both RA or why I’m still single at a dry wedding with vegan meal options in a barn in the middle of nowhere.  For real.

I need a massage.  And a break. 

Goodnight!

Amanda-1: PPO-0

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For now at least.

After submitting all my paperwork (mainly 6 years proof of continuous credible coverage) to the insurance douchelord company,  I finally got the word today that I really can see the rheumatologist next week.

You see, this same company who I am now covered by (again) and I have a checkered past.  This is the carrier I was with when I was diagnosed.  So, I learned the hard way that I CANNOT go to the rheumatologist until I have all my ducks in a row because it will be a nightmare to sort out on the flip side.

I really do feel bad for their customer service reps.  I mean, it has to be a horrible job.  I would imagine that everyone who calls in is like me- ticked off.  And they can’t really do anything to help you.  And (and this is going to sound horrible) the only way to get any attention from someone who CAN help you is to not be the nicest person in the world.  And that makes me feel pretty crappy.  For the record, I do tell them that I’m not mad at them personally and I realize that they are just the messenger.  But still…

So today, the poor rep excitedly announces to me that they have all my paperwork and that I’m good to go.  Underwhelmed.

Really?  I’m not falling over with gratitude that you DID YOUR JOB and will be fulfilling your BASIC policy requirements?  After I only had to fax it 3 times?  And call multiple times after that?  And what does that really mean?  Does that mean that you’re going to pay the bills in accordance to the policy or are you going to put me through the same ordeal you have in the past?

I so wanted to shout: DO YOU NOT KNOW WHO YOU’RE DEALING WITH?  Yes, it’s me- the girl you had to reimburse 3K several years ago after you drug your feet on paying bills in a timely fashion which forced me to make the painful decision of put it on the credit card vs. let it go to collections.  And then I (gasp) continued to follow-up with you because I’m pretty sure you assumed I would just pay off the balance and forget it. But let me tell you something you probably already know: I can beat the heck out of a dead horse.

And let’s talk about lab work.  A big chunk of that bill in the past was just that.  You have this nifty little loophole where you won’t pay for labwork that’s drawn more than 5 business days OUTSIDE of the appointment.  OUTSIDE, not AFTER.  So say your doctor likes to have your current labwork in front of her AT your appointment.  Would it not make sense that she gives you orders to have it drawn 3 days before?  Which falls less than 5 business days OUTSIDE of your appointment.  But someone in your corporate office interprets it to be (and from a calendar standpoint this is correct) more than 5 business days AFTER your last appointment.  

Seriously, we fought about just that for months.  OUTSIDE vs AFTER.  And the policy says OUTSIDE.  And I WON. I call that my Elle Woods moment.

Did you like the letters I wrote to the insurance board?

I realize I sound kinda psycho about this.  But put 3K that you don’t have on a credit card with the realization that the person who’s supposed to pay for it is trying with all their might not to and see how you feel.

Very defensive.  

I am feeling better.  True to form, the finger isn’t looking so nasty but I am taking the picture with me.  I still think it may be time to switch up medications.

Oh God.  I’m going to have to start the process all over with that.  

Those poor CSR’s.

A Valentine’s Day Poem for my insurance company

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Roses are red.

Violets are blue.

Your customer service sucks completely.

I hate dealing with you.

Mad props to the call center dude who doesn’t really speak or understand English (especially English from the south) who asked me a bunch of pointless questions, put me on hold for 10 minutes, asked me the same pointless questions again and rudely, put me on hold again, and then hung up on me when I asked to be transferred to a supervisor.  

Karma, my friend, karma.

Still waiting on the rheumy appointment and now waiting on refills since my insurance changed on January 1st.  Having to get everything re-referred and re-preauthorized during a flare does not make me the happiest person in the world.