I think we’d all agree that 2009 has been a tough year for everyone.  Whether it’s dealing with RA or dealing with the financial crisis or just dealing with life…the stars just didn’t seem to align themselves properly this past year.I mean seriously, last New Year’s Eve, I got food poisoning.  That should’ve given me a heads up…

In my own personal group of friends, we’ve had trying times.  Financial muck, divorces, illnesses, breakups, mother in laws that just need to leave well enough alone, job losses. Nobody seems to be immune. I had a nice long chat with a good friend last night and she mentioned that she felt as though she was in the ocean being dragged by currents and beat up by waves and that she just couldn’t seem to keep her head above water.  She told her mother this and her mother’s response was “but you’re still floating…and the waves will eventually push you back to shore although it might be a little further down the shore from where you started.”  (To which she told me, “yes, until the sharks start attacking.  We really are friends for a reason!!!)

I’ve been mulling it over and I think her analogy and her mother’s comment are the best way to sum up my year too.  I have: sold a house, lost health insurance, had to leave a job because of health insurance, moved, started a new job, been on lots of medicine, been on not much medicine, been back on even more medicine, got promoted, had friend drama, lost several good friends, gained a few new ones, dealt with family issues, started running again, started having problems with my hands again.  Quite an extensive laundry list. Sigh.  And she’s right- everything is different now but different is ok.

I read earlier today that this New Year’s Eve is a blue moon.  A blue moon typically happens every two years- it’s simply two full moons in one month.  But a blue moon on New Year’s Eve is very rare- probably won’t happen again for 20 years.  So, I’m setting my sights on making 2010 awesome in every way possible and am thinking, just maybe, that this is a sign that the stars are finally aligned.  For starters, today I am NOT eating anything that could possibly be undercooked or cross-contaminated.  A tad bit superstitious of me perhaps!

Happy New Year’s to you all- I hope that this new year (and new DECADE) brings you everything you’re looking for!

“Merry Christmas to all and to all a good night!”

Still my favorite quote that directly relates to Christmas.  

On Christmas morning, I woke up to a bunch of text messages from friends and family. I love that about the holidays- I’m not being sarcastic yet, I really do get a kick out of who I hear from on Thanksgiving, Christmas, New Years, and my birthday. Sometimes it’s a very pleasant surprise! As Hugh Grant so eloquently states in Love Actually, phone calls made from the planes on 9/11 were not calls made out of hate but out of love.  (I realize if you haven’t seen that movie, you wouldn’t relate that quote to Christmas.  So go see- it’s one of my favorites!)

 Enter sarcasm. You may have noticed that I do not post about specific guys and myself.  That is purposeful.  But you may remember a gentleman I described a few weeks ago. The one who called me a “spoiled little girl who uses men to feed an ego and fill a void?” The one who has sent me 200 (seriously) text messages over the past few weeks, none of which were returned? Yes, that one. I’d like to thank him for the Merry Christmas text that included an up close picture of “himself.” Yes, you read that correctly. I thought it oh so appropriate how he thought sending that would help me more fully celebrate the birth of Jesus Christ. How…classy.

Hey, if you’re going to send something like that, be prepared to be called on it.  Be grateful that the picture is not posted- I promise you that NOBODY wants to see. For the record, I have never seen you unclothed and you have earned a spot in my history as the most bizarre thing a guy has ever sent me, hence it is mention-worthy. 

Ok, sarcasm complete. Back on track.

I am pleased to announce that I am new owner to two RA friendly gadgets. Ok, gifted with one and went out and found the other.  But still, I love that my family is getting into finding me cool ways to modify things I struggle with.

- Automatic wine bottle opener from Brookstone. It is glorious! You pop the plastic off the top of the wine bottle, set the bottle opener on it, press the button and it’s off! Fantabulous! The downside- I’m feeling the need to “practice” too much.

- Jar opener. My mom is having problems with osteoarthritis in her thumbs so my dad got her this nifty little gadget that helps you open jars. You fit it firmly around the jar top, secure it, and open the jar with the handle.  I went out and gifted myself with this yesterday- this isn’t the exact one I have but very similar.  

After gifts, we enjoyed all the Christmas trappings. My family has a tradition every holiday that we cook London broil. We’ve done this for years- probably stemming from the Easter where my dad managed to drop the whole hot turkey from the oven onto the kitchen floor directly into the cat food when he went to check on it. So London broil, sweet potatoes, cranberries…OH MY! Good times were had by all.

I sincerely hope you and yours had a wonderful holiday (whatever you choose to celebrate) and are gearing up to start off 2010 with a bang.

And hopefully no obscene text messages.

Last night, I went to the Panthers/Vikings game here in Charlotte.  I went, a little unenthusiastically because, let’s face it- we suck this year.  But I’ve been looking forward to this game all season mainly because I’ve always been a Brett Favre fan and didn’t want to miss a chance to see him play in person.  

Despite the fact that it was FREEZING and that I was wearing so many clothes that I felt like Ralphie’s little brother walking to school in A Christmas Story, I had so much fun because LAST NIGHT WE DIDN’T SUCK.  Shocker, right?!?  Actually, I think the newspaper this morning used the verbage “stunner.”  Whatever.  Same thing.

Anyway, I could go on and on about the morbidly obese Vikings fans who sat near us replete with Viking helmets and attached braids (B- list stripper grade hair extensions if you’re dying to know my opinion) or how well my strategy of keeping warm through numerous hot chocolates laced with obscene amounts of Bailey’s worked or how I learned that my finger joints that are effected apparently don’t like being  constricted with glove liners, gloves and a handwarmer shoved in.  But I won’t.  :)

Nor will I post the many pictures I took on my phone.  I got a really good one of Brett (we had REALLY good seats).  

But I wish my hands that were pissed at me would’ve cooperated fast enough to get the one picture on my phone that I was dying to take.  You see, during one of the breaks, there was a huge ad for the Arthritis Foundation.  HUGE.  ON SUNDAY NIGHT FOOTBALL!  I  drunkenly totally geeked out seeing it on the jumbotron!!!  But maneuvering my willfully defiant and heavily layered hands to unzip my side pocket, pull out my phone, unlock my key guard…..it just didn’t happen.

Ok, so I realize that the ad itself was tied to a corporate sponsor and only included a small blurb on what arthritis is with no mention of Rheumatoid Arthritis and that it  probably was only shown in the stadium but how cool is that!!!

I’ll take it however we can get it.  It’s a good place to start.

So, it’s exactly one week until Christmas and I have only bought 1 Christmas gift.  And everywhere around me is getting snow while I’m getting copious amounts of rain mixed with snow and sleet.  Which I fear may freeze tonight.  Why am I so scared?  Is it because I live in a really old neighborhood with massive trees everywhere that like to fall during ice?  NO! I’m on edge because I have spent the last few days deciding who I will buy what for, mapping out what is at which store, and determining most efficient routes to each.  I then put together a firm itinerary beginning at 7:30 am tomorrow.  Estimated duration of holiday shopping expedition? 2 hours.  Which would put me home to laze around right about when shopping conditions begin to deteriorate.

So yes, I’M SCREWED!!!

You see, Christmas shopping this year is about as appealing to me as having lunch with Miley Cyrus, Lindsey Lohan, and Kate Gosselin.  Ugh.  The thought of that invokes serious cringing.  I’ll have a vodka tonic, hold the tonic, side of Valium please.

Is it the waiting in long lines on my oh so comfortable RA eroded feet?

Is it the lingering discomfort of carrying around lots of bags on a still extremely sore shoulder?

Is it the close proximity to hordes of people who let their children run wild? (Note: many of my friends have children.  There is “active normal kid bored in a store” behavior and then there is “he was whining because he missed his nap so I gave him a Red Bull, fruit roll-up, and cookies” behavior.  It is this second type to which I am referring.)

Is it the close proximity  of my suppressed immune system to hordes of people who are hacking, coughing, and generally spraying colds, flu, and swine flu in my path?

Is it because it’s extremely cold and I’m extremely tired/worn down and worrying that it might throw me into a flare?

Maybe it’s all, maybe it’s none.  Maybe I’m just a Grinch!

Ok universe, I would very much appreciate a redo for today, please and thank you.  It is 9:30 on Saturday night and I am supposed to be dancing my booty off with some friends at a concert.  Instead, I am on the couch, more than a little loopy from muscle relaxers.  

Very long story short, I’ve had extreme shoulder pain for the past 48 hours.  Extreme to the point that I can’t lift my right arm, seriously considered wearing a sports bra to work under my suit because the other ones were so uncomfortable, and couldn’t really change clothes or do my hair without tears.  I tried stretching, meditating, ice, heat, and more stretching.  It continued to get worse.  It felt frighteningly familiar and last night when trying to sleep, I was so scared that I felt like I was going to hyperventilate.

You guys know what my fear was, don’t you?  Sudden extreme pain, loss of function, a sensation of “twisting.”  Please no symmetry, please no symmetry, please no symmetry.  I just don’t think I can handle this again.

I went to the Saturday am sick clinic at my doctor’s office this am (WONDERFUL concept) and after initially scaring the crap out of me, they have ruled out torn rotator cuff (which was surprisingly their main concern) and arthritis involvement in the shoulder  (the joint looks really good, no inflammation to speak of)and are thinking it’s tendonitis that has really aggravated all the muscles nearby.  I have a follow-up appointment this week and they are wanting to set me up with physical therapy.

Whew!  I’m ok with tendonitis.

I have no idea how this happened.  They keep asking me if I have fallen recently (surprisingly no) and have I been working out a lot lately (HAHAHAHAHAHA.)

I have a pretty high tolerance for pain now and this whole shoulder thing….it takes a lot for something to hurt so bad that I burst into tears and am willing to venture out of the house dressed like a hobo with really bad bed head.  In fact, this tendonitis kicks RA’s ass.  I never thought I’d say that.

Now that doesn’t mean, my dear sweet RA, that you have free license to stop playing nice. Because you don’t.

I will admit it: I am addicted.  

It calms me, it soothes me, it relaxes the muscles of my back and neck which bother me, it stimulates an immune response which helps me manage my RA.  I crave time where I am forced to do nothing but chill.  And this takes the cake.

I’ve been to probably 10 different therapists over the years, most of them good, some of them atrocious.  A memorable one would be the guy who chuckled when he had me roll over and got a glimpse of boob.  And proceeded to stare.  Thank you, douchebag- because of you and how uncomfortable you made me, I now only go to female masseuses.  Have fun at the club tonight by yourself with your balding yet spiked hair and Ed Hardy shirt. I bet you like techno music and use cheesy pickup lines.  

I digress.

I found my current one by chance.  A coworker had a gift certificate that he wasn’t going to use.  ”I don’t like being touched and I have a problem laying naked on a table in front of a stranger.”  To which I said “I do and I don’t.”  I called, made an appointment and by luck of the schedule, got this one.

Seriously, she is the best one ever.  Not because of her bodywork (which is great) but because of her interest in auto-immune disorders (family member with Webener’s who is on Prednisone and Methotrexate) and the fact that she’s currently studying naturopathic medicine.  

I admit, if you really think about it, that it’s a little weird meeting someone for the first time and five minutes later, you’re laying there with no clothes on.  Somewhat like a frat party?  (Sorry, Mom- totally kidding.)  It’s even a little more intimidating when you have to explain to them that “hey, I have this thing and these spots that if you aren’t careful, you could really hurt me.”  I’m accustomed to having to explain what and where every time I go to the same people.  I’m also very hesitant to let them touch the spots.  In fact, until this one, I’ve never let anyone touch my affected joints.

So, imagine my surprise on my second appointment when she asked to see my hands before we started.  She looked at them and gingerly touched them.  ”Ok, you’re a little swollen today.  I just wanted to check before.  How are your feet?”  Wow.  I seriously think I hugged her.

It’s made a huge difference in how I feel.  I’m getting massages weekly like my doctor recommended for the first time ever with no fear of injury.  She is more in tune with my RA than my rheumy is.  She has picked up on the spots in my wrists that bother me sometimes, which I’ve never mentioned, and this week made me happy by saying “Your fingers really look much less swollen lately.”  I had noticed it too but hadn’t said anything to anyone because I thought it was just me being hopeful.

She’s given me advice on supplements-where to buy and brands to try, recommended a yoga teacher who can help me modify things when I need to, and is encouraging me to try acupuncture.  She’s familiar with my medications and is very empathetic on their side effects.  We talk about diet and foods that are by nature inflammatory.  

 I’ve had better conversations with her than I have with my doctors.  And in some cases, more well-informed conversations.  I really believe in treating the whole person, sometimes I feel that my doctors don’t.

I swear I had a point here.  I’m excited.  I’ve always wanted to approach my treatment as a partnership.  I only want people to understand where I’m coming from and where I want to go.  I want to get a massage as often as my budget allows.  I only want my goodies ogled in an appropriate venue. I want to have clinical conversations about my rheumatoid arthritis that don’t make me feel like crying.  And for now, I have that.

So I’ve been doing a gratitude challenge that several of my friends have sent me…and it’s actually been pretty enlightening.  It’s a month long series of exercises where you write, think and reflect about positives in your life.  I’ve also challenged myself to say two positives about every negative thought I’ve had.  Some of them have been quite funny.

Negative:  We’ve had a peeping tom problem in my apartment complex and I’m scared.

Positive: I finally checked to make sure that all my windows and doors lock properly and have finally gotten to know all my neighbors. 

Positive:  The cops that responded were hot.

So, in honor of Thanksgiving, here’s my rather warped list of things I’m thankful for:

1. A family who is much stronger and closer after going through tragedy,and even though some of them are batshit crazy, they are the ones who make get-togethers….interesting.

2. Friends who are like family who consistently have my back, who go out of their way to understand my RA and are 100% honest with me, even if it hurts. In my opinion, that last part is the nature of true friendship.

3. Sarcasm, humor, and cursing.  You complete me.  

4. A company that I’ve only been with for a few months who has already promoted me and a manager truly listens and goes to bat for me when necessary.

5. Health insurance that is still a nightmare to navigate (HOLLA- going on 2 months trying to get Humira pre-approved-PLEASE RESPOND) but is still health insurance so that the burden is not on me.

6. A case of Rheumatoid Arthritis that is mild and easily controlled…and has taught me volumes about myself.

7. A move to a new city with few friends that has allowed me desperately needed time to think things out and helped me get my head on straight again.

8. A second run taking methotrexate which has allowed me back into size 6 jeans.  (Although I would not recommend this method of weight loss BY ANY MEANS to the normal person.)

9. A growing RA community that allows a lot of healthy dialogue and helps me to realize that I’m not alone and that what I feel is normal.

10. A year that has been both humbling and enlightening and that is thankfully almost gone.

So there you go!  

I hope you all had wonderfrul Thanksgivings!!!

MINUS TEN FOR YOU!!!!!!!!

My fingers are swollen, my feet hurt, and I feel really bad for that woman who cut me off in traffic this morning.  I forgive you for that if you forgive me for showing you a certain swollen finger, k?

So, every year from Thanksgiving on, I focus on how much fun I’ve had that year, how sad I am to leave that year, and a very specific list of things I want to accomplish in the upcoming year. 

This time last year, I had just predicted (accurately I might add) my company was going to tank and had decided that I wanted to move.  I’ll  be honest a year later that the move was more about a desperately needed change of scenery to get my head on straight again than a job.  Having to simultaneously deal with a chronic diagnosis, the shock of the diagnosis, the suicide of a loved one, the fallout/litigation from the suicide, a brother’s deployment, worrying about how said brother was handling said family member’s suicide (happened a month after he returned), friends that were continually putting me in bad situations, and a few douchebags thrown in the mix…is a lot.  And I was being pulled in about 400 different directions which was allowing me to quite successfully avoid dealing with any of them.  I was pretty much just going through the motions.  

My goals for 2009?

1. Get out of Greenville.

2. Get healthy- physically and emotionally.

3.  Eliminate all bitchy and douchey people.

And well…mission accomplished.

 It hasn’t necessarily been pretty. And that’s putting it nicely.  Ironically, in spite of the physical, the hardest part has been #3.  I wound up in tears on my birthday because of someone and  (3 weeks ago!) was called” a spoiled little girl who uses guys to fill a void and feed an ego.”   LOL. Taking a step back now, I wonder why in the world I was even friends with several people in the first place and oh dear God, isn’t the saying “you’re only as good as the company you keep?”  

So, walking through Target this morning and seeing Christmas decorations threw me back into thinking about 2009 and what I want from 2010.  

2009 has sucked.  Totally. I’m not sad to see it leave. Sure, I’ve had some moments of pure fun and sure, I accomplished my goals and sure, I have totally set myself up both physically and emotionally to move on with my life, RA and all, better than I ever could have in Greenville with the circus down there.  But getting to that place and finally dealing with all that crap has been extraordinarily painful.  But painful in a good way….it needed to happen because I feared it would come down to deal with it now or massively implode at some point in the future.

I’m at a point where I’m ok with myself and I’m ok with the things that have happened to me. But I still feel a little breakable and I’m not willing to put myself in any situation that involves emotional stress or drama.

So rather than put pressure on myself with a very specific set of goals for 2010 that I will continually beat myself up about, I only want this: to finally be able to move on from ALL above situations and to finally feel like myself again.

So yes, everytime I have any weird sort of symptom, I immediately look for a way to blame it on my RA.

A week and a half ago, I woke up and my armpits were itching.  Not just a little bit but almost unbearably.  I had just restarted methotrexate so I looked on WebMD and a couple of other places and found a few articles linking this to a. irritation from deodorants or b.some sort of fungal infection not uncommon in those who have suppressed immune systems.  Immediately, bells went off in my head.  Damn you, methotrexate, damn you! 

I was absolutely certain it was (b) but went ahead and bought hypoallergenic deodorant just in case and added it to my list of things to discuss with my doctor this week.  The deodorant didn’t help so I just knew,  JUST KNEW, that it had to be the immune system fungal infection.  I mean, what else could it be?  

Tuesday evening, I was sitting on my couch with a cat on my lap, enjoying a cold fall night.  I was berating myself for not vacuuming up all the leaves I had tracked in when I saw it.  IT.  On my cat.  A wee beast.  Crawling up her neck.  And another!  On her belly.  And OH MY GOSH- another one- on her leg.  I brushed her and examined the fur on the brush- little black specks everywhere. THE HORROR.

A quick call to a doctor friend confirmed the sinking feeling in my stomach: generalized itching could also be caused by fleas.  Especially if the cat spent the day sleeping on my bed.  Which would probably lead to unbearable itching in the morning.

I took a trip to the vet rather than the rheumatologist on Wed (not for me, for the feline) and what I suspected was confirmed: the cat who has never been outside and only sees other animals through the window has a raging case of fleas, most likely picked up from leaves I tracked in.  

So with a good dose of Frontline and furious cleaning efforts on my part, the itching is gone.

So, no fungal infection.  Can’t blame methotrexate for this.  Or even RA.

FLEAS.