Happy Festivus!

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In lieu of a Tuesday post, we are going to have a brief Festivus celebration.

If you aren’t familiar with my favorite holiday, Wikipedia is your friend. If you dislike Festivus and/or Seinfeld, the lovely red x in the upper right hand corner…see it…click it. :)

I will now air an abbreviated version of my grievances for your viewing pleasure.

Left ankle: your lack of cooperation in the healing process disappoints me. Don’t call my bluff on not following doctors orders. To that I say IRRELEVANT. I cloth you in the finest socks and shoes that money can buy are sold at Target or that I have a coupon for. Orders followed or not, this is my house so we go with my rules.

Wrists: Didn’t Heath Ledger say ‘I can’t quit you?’ Learn that phrase, love that phrase, LIVE that phrase. This resistance to forward flexion will cease; it is your decision if it will be on your terms or mine. You have let me down in hurtful and malicious ways. I will concede that you are useful in getting me out of things I don’t want to do. BUT. That is to be my decision and not yours moving forward.

Blue Cross Blue Shield: The language to describe my disappointment in you doesn’t exist. Take the most vile thing you can think of, multiply that times infinity and then take that and cube it. I’m not a math person so I can’t give you what that exact quantity of grievance would be but you should know that it is a whole lot. Grievous disappointment.

RA: Did you see my standing ovation and hear my boisterous cheers of BRAVO? Oh, you didn’t? Oh right. I didn’t give you one. Because you suck. You are on notice. See notes to wrists and ankles. MY house, MY rules. YOUR way vs MINE. I don’t see any ‘RA’ in ‘your’ but I sure as hell see ‘me’ and ‘I’ in ‘mine.’ And that means that I’m the boss of you.

I am bound and determined that by next Festivus, we will not be airing these same grievances. That is a threat and a promise.

Happy Holidays and determined wishes for the healthiest 2013! I am excited and quite determined to regain control of my health, and very thankful that changes I’ve made in 2012 have finally allowed me the time and clarity to actually follow through.

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