Where I’m at right now…

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No, I am not in a cave with James Franco.  Although I’d like to be.  Very much.  But I couldn’t really post pictures of that.  Except that I’d have to…for proof.

Instead, I find myself between a rock and a hard place.  I have been running, running, running for years now.  I have always prided myself on being super dedicated, super hard working, super organized, on top of it, over involved, there for everybody whenever they need it however they need it.

At the expense of myself.

I’ve always known that last part.  Maybe I didn’t acknowledge it. It certainly didn’t bother me because being that person has always been fulfilling.

But there have been certain people and certain situations recently that have made me realize that I’m not being it all anymore:  I’m just being used.  

These people and situations have sucked up so much of my time, energy, and emotional resources that I am now my own worst nightmare:  I’m a wreck. I am having a million different balls thrown at me and I’m dropping every single one of them.

Worse than that, they are sucking so much out of me that there are days when I have a hard time getting off of my couch.  I’ve completely lost control over a lot of these things and I’m a mess.  Literally.  A mess.  As in “Hey Amanda, Hoarders  called.  You interested?”

And on top of all of this, I have to deal with my RA which is doing ok right now but still, it’s just another thing to worry about and oh dear God, the pressure and fear of dropping a ball there, right?

I apologize for being so vague.  That pretty much goes against what I try to do here but I also make a point here to not speak specifically about people in my life unless it’s positive or unless I know there would be no repercussions.  Unfortunately, I live in the South, we all know how to use Google, and let’s face it ladies: our clique mentality is sappy bitchy passive aggressive sweet.  Bless your heart.  I’ll pray for you. The reason you’re hurting right now/things keep happening is because God is trying to get your attention because he doesn’t have your heart like he should.

Oh yeah…repercussions are fun.

I’m just tired.  Tired of people being so presumptuous on my time and resources, tired of being upset about it, tired of having to pretend everything is ok and scared as to what the reaction is going to be when I finally decide it’s time to be quite honest.

And that is my grand excuse for my absence of late.

I will be back to regular scheduled programming very soon.  Promise.

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5 responses »

  1. If there is a gift from having a disease like RA, then it is that we eventually realize we HAVE to come first. Weed out what doesn’t work. We are here for you. =)

  2. OMG – another thing to be grateful for; I don’t live in the Southern States! :-) If someone said something like that to me I’d have a great deal of difficulty not resorting to physical violence – and I’m really not a violent person at all! I may LOOK like I’ve been in a fight right now, but that’s only because I fell down the stairs the other day!!

    I really hope things pick up for you soon; I miss your unique brand of blogging humour!

  3. Take care of YOURSELF. People who are friends will realize that’s what you need to do at this point; everyone else, well, if that’s the way they’re going to be, let ‘em go…Sorry to be so blunt, but they’re not worth it, I’m afraid…
    :) L

    P.S. Glad to see you still have your sense of humour about you in spite of everything!!

  4. Oh Geez, like RA isn’t stressful enough. It’s unfortunate that RA is “arthritis” because people don’t associate that word with the level of pain and disability that many of us actually suffer. They think it’s just a few aches and pains and we shouldn’t be big babies and just deal with it. Even those in our lives who should know better. Yeah, right.

    It’s so hard to just say no to people when you know they won’t understand. I hope things get better for you and that people will stop taking advantage of your good and helpful nature and stop presuming to tell you why you’re suffering when they haven’t got the first clue.

  5. Hey AJ, was just checking back here to see how you were since you emailed me. I hope you’re doing what you can to self care. I want you to know how wonderful and kind hearted a person you are (to a fault) and that I still think you’re so incredibly beautiful inside and out. Always remember your true worth and never let anyone or any situation rob you of that simple truth. Keep in touch. Always, Calvin

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