You’re a mean one, Mr Grinch

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This used to be my favorite time of year.

I realized the other day that I don’t remember what its like to not live with at least some level of discomfort.

That was a tad bit upsetting.

Then it dawned on me that its mid November. Commence immediate downward spiral.

This freaking gloomy weather. And that client of mine who I have spent the last six weeks of my life jumping through hoops for who still isn’t happy with what I’ve done EVEN THOUGH YOU WON’T GIVE ME ANY FEEDBACK….all I want for Christmas is for you to retire, k?

I’ve had a really hard time with the holidays for the past several years and everytime I swear I’m not going to be a Grinch, I think I make it worse.

The thing is that I have a really hard time seeing all of this….in your face bright and shiny happiness…because it focuses my attention on everything I feel like I don’t have or have had to give up thanks to RA or the fact that hey, I just plain feel like crap. It sometimes feels like a slap in the face.

My family can intense this time of year. To loosely quote Ozzy Osbourne- ‘I love you all…but you’re all friggin mad!’ I just don’t even want to deal with them. No offense, I’m sure they’d say the same about me sometimes.

I’ve been dealing with less than effective meds since March. The fact that I’m still in such a strong flare is more upsetting than I know how to write.

There are other reasons too, just not ones I’m willing to post here.

I realized the beginnings of a selfish meltdown and started feeling even crappier.

For some reason, I started thinking about how growing up, we’d make cinnamon bread and Moravian stars. And proceeded to get even more upset because I knew, just KNEW, that I couldn’t make those stars anymore because it involves lots of intricate folds with tiny slips of paper.

And then I did something unusual. I tried to make a star. And succeeded.

I am apparently overthinking things as usual. Important lesson learned.

6 responses »

  1. Amandajohn, I just googled how to make a Moravian star, and WOW! I’m impressed that you could make one of these beautiful, delicate things at all, let alone with sore, stiff fingers! What a delightful thing to make it is. You made me smile, and now I have to try to make one, too.

    You really did learn an important lesson today. Thank you for sharing it with us.

    I hope this nasty flare you’re going through will ease soon. Sending warmth, comfort, patience and many hugs your way.

  2. It has been 7 1/2 years since I was diagnosed, but I really can’t remember what it was like to get up pain free, to do anything you want to do with no limitations, to make plans 3 weeks in advance and be able to keep them. I know it happened, I used to race motorcycles and would attack the courses like a police K9 running down a one legged crack dealer.
    I agree with you about the family around the holidays. I love my family, just not all at one time. Glad you pushed yourself and attempted the Moravian star. Even cooler that you were able to do it.
    RA takes a lot from us, but also teaches us we are stronger than we imagined. I hope your flare eases up soon.

  3. Wow. Makes me glad my family is laid-back and mellow. I know what you mean, though. I used to love Christmas shopping. Walking through the stores, enjoying the Christmas music and decorations, bargain-hunting, searching for the perfect gift… Now, I can barely handle a single store at a time, so the majority of my shopping is done online. I miss the atmosphere of actually going to the mall.

    I suppose it’s less stressful to not deal with crowds and such, but I still miss it. I have to pace myself more. No more marathon baking or shopping sessions. No more last-minute sewing of handmade gifts. I guess it’s better overall, but I still miss the frenzy sometimes.

    Kudos on being able to make the star! It’s really easy to overthink when you’re dealing with pain on a daily basis. It’s been 28 years since I first got RA and I still usually over- or under-estimate my own stamina and capability. For me, the infinite variability of RA is one of the worst things, since you can never tell from one day to the next (sometimes even one hour to the next) how you’re going to feel. It does make planning things for this time of year especially difficult.

  4. And what a beautiful star it is!!! I always smile when I read your blog because of your honesty in all situations. There is always a phrase or two that just hit home. Yes, I am also mentally preparing for family and the holidays. Last Thanksgiving was the beginning of my huge flare that lasted most of this past year. I had to leave dinner early and I kind of enjoyed that part…is that bad? Here’s to some hopeful Happy Holidays?!?!

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