I need to feel my age again!

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There are so many things I’d rather be doing this summer.  SO MANY.  Like traveling, drinking and chatting it up with hot guys while scantily clad on boats, briefly wearing killer heels outside a club before I switch them for the flip flops in my purse, and that whole acting like I’m 30 instead of 90 kind of thing.

But no.  Nope.  Instead I’m recovering from the flare I am now calling How To Spend A Ridiculous Amount Of Money Very Quickly And Have Absolutely Nothing Whatsoever Tangible To Show For It At All To Include Incriminating Pictures Or Embarrassing Stories: Part III.

NO BOAT DANCING HERE.

Sigh.

Ok, so maybe I’m a little bitter.  I’ve been really tired the past few days.  And then last night, my friend and I went to get yogurt at a place up the street from me.  And we saw these three girls walk by, dressed to impress, and one of them dared to give both of us a judgemental look.

OH HECK NO.

Sure, it was a Saturday night and sure, we were out in public with both of us wearing gym shorts and tank tops but you know what?  WE DIDN’T LOOK LIKE B LIST STRIPPERS.  (If you’re interested in a concise definition of a B-List Stripper, it is a stripper who is scheduled to work daytime hours.  Just sayin.)

But after I got over how angry it made me and after I successfully used Austin Powers moves to navigate my car out of the itsy bitsy parking space that was made more complicated thanks to the brand new Mercedes on the right that only gave me 7 inches for margin of error, I realized that part of the reason I was so angry was because I miss being that girl who gets dressed up every Saturday night.

I hate resting.  I hate taking medication.  I hate that my friends invite me to things and then react with complete and utter shock when I actually show up.

I don’t necessarily want to be wild and crazy.  For the record, I got the bulk of my demons out in early college.  But you know what…I would just like the OPTION of being wild and crazy if I felt like it.  Hey Amanda, want to conduct some extensive experimentation with illicit drugs?  Why yes, I’d love to. Not really.  Not ever actually.  But you know what?  If someone were to ask me that, I’d like to at least feel that I had the choice to say YES. Maybe I’m weird. :) But feeling like I don’t even have the option…sucks.

I feel like I’m missing out on so much. I moved here a year ago and while I have wonderful friends here so far, there are big chunks of time where I don’t do anything with them.  I’m terrified: out of sight, out of mind, right? And I don’t even add those periods of time to the period of time I spent when I was newly diagnosed- isolating myself from everyone and just being pissed off at the world.  It was QUITE healthy.

I miss being myself.  I miss feeling like myself.  I miss looking like myself.

Except I never looked like a stripper. Thank you very much.

10 responses »

  1. ” I used to…” “I used to…” I say that all the time and it gets old. Sometimes it makes me cry. Sometimes it makes me mad.

    It was the shoes, the pain they caused. That was my first sign. I never even knew, until it slammed my hands. I too miss the shoes.

    We have a new normal and it sucks, but we have to find the very best in it. If not, we’d all go nuts.

    I understand.

  2. I know EXACTLY what you mean. I’m on vacation now, visiting my hometown and seeing friends from high school, and I just can’t keep up with them. They go out and do fun things and have no consequences. I go out and I’m a complete mess for days on end. And it’s not even as if my friends are wild and crazy.

    I was just going to write a post about this very topic last night, but I got too tired. (Ironic, yes?)

  3. Me and a friend who’s had RA since he was a child always talk about this – is it worse to build your whole life around an illness and never experience life healthy, or to be blessed with perfect health and then have it taken away. I still don’t really know the answer to that question. Both suck. Hope you have something fun to lift your spirits soon.

  4. wow, i feel like i was reading my own words! ugh it sucks to have ra this young, if you don’t mind me saying something so obvious. One thing that has consoled me through those nights when i want to be out dancing on tables is to dream and plan for my future. people spend so much time thinking about the past and the present that they end up way down the road and wonder why they never got around to doing what they wanted to do. So, go plan for tomorrow and think about what you can do instead of thinking about what you can’t do!
    please excuse my extreme optimism, it’s my personal form of denial. but hey, it works for me :)
    oh, and don’t forget to get dressed up even if it’s just for yourself and you’re staying in.
    take care, robin

  5. I get to feeling like that sometimes, too. There are days when I get so mad about what arthritis has taken from me, I could scream. I miss heels, and not the ugly, chunky variety either. The super cute, super high stiletto variety. Oh, well. But, like Robin, I’ll get dressed up every now and then just for me. And I’m always on the lookout for fierce flats. Good thing there are some, these days.

  6. I hear ya. I never even got to live wild in my college days, since I got RA at 16 and would usually run out of energy before I could do the party thing. Still, I used to be able to do a whole lot more than I can do now. I feel like such an old lady sometimes. I’m even getting stair lifts installed in my house because I can’t climb stairs very well a lot of the time. That and the grab bars in the bathroom can be a little depressing.

    And try shopping for a mobility scooter that doesn’t remind you of old folks out for a spin on their scoot-arounds. *sigh* I suppose I could paint some flames on it or something, LOL!

  7. I’ve been so worn out after working (on my feet all day), that the last couple of times I was at a grocery store (not in my neighborhood), I said “what the heck” and went ahead and used the scooter carts in the store! Actually it was kind of fun, except for the beeping when backing up, so avoid backing up if you can! And it, using the thumb control to go forward or back, did set off some bursitis in one arm the last time I did it. People did look at me funny, but I though, who cares?

  8. I am another person who knows exactly what you are talking about. At work the other day I was having trouble walking down the stairs because my feet hurt so much. A couple of coworkers asked me if I needed help. I kept thinking to myself, “I’m also 30 years old and you are making me feel like I’m 100!” Afterwards I just wanted to do something to feel my age again, so I added some pink to my hair like I used to do.

    That definitely helped brightened my mood, but a few days later I was packing up all my heels and even browsing canes online. I guess I will just have to look for a kick ass one.

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