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You know the drill…

You’re starting to feel better.  You sleep in gloriously late on a Saturday morning and wake up to think about a date you had the night before. No, he’s not Mr. Right.  Hell, he’s not even a contender for Mr. Right Now.  But it was nice to have a good looking guy WANT to buy you a glass of wine and listen to you prattle on about mundane details of your life.  Except he’s really really boring.  So you sigh, mentally file him back in the Rolodex, roll over, and sleep for another half an hour.

You get up and you feel no better but also no worse than usual.  You’re okay with that.  You proceed to spend the next 3 hours laying on the couch watching movies and playing online.  You finally get off your butt to go do one of your most favorite things in the world: MASSAGE!!!!

You spend an hour getting pampered and relaxed.  An added bonus is that thunderstorm that comes along in the middle of it- thunder and the sound of rain always relaxes you so this just makes awesome more awesome.  It even makes you forget that, as always, you really need to shave your legs.

You leave the massage and hit up two more favorites: PEDICURE!  SHOPPING!  Afterwards, you pick up some junk food in preparation for movie night at your place with friends.  You’re actually having a really good day.

And then something (usually stupid and usually trivial) happens that reminds you about your RA and it completely ruins the rest of your day.

On Friday, it was the receptionist at my rheumatologist’s office who pissed me off so much that I found myself mad at my rheumatologist, which then made me mad at my old rheumatologist in SC, which then made me hate rheumatology in general.  At that point in time, I was suddenly morally obligated to ABANDON THE PATRONAGE OF ALL RHEUMATOLOGISTS EVERYWHERE so I called a naturopathic doctor I’m trying to get in with only to realize it was completely out of my budget so I then hated all naturopathic doctors too, and then I started thinking about insurance companies…

It is a vicious cycle that only makes me feel like I’ve lost something all over again.

Oh yes, and psycho.

On Saturday, it was seeing people running in my neighborhood.  I know that most people see people running and think “oh, they’re being so healthy.”  But I sometimes look at them and think they’re taunting me.  Stupid runners with your stupid healthy joints and your annoying ipods. And you- YOU- in the pink shorts with the blond ponytail and the HOT shirtless guy…I despise you.  I bet you have those fabulous heels I drooled over today.  You know, the ones that I am physically incapable of wearing.  IT IS SO NOT FAIR- THOSE SHOULD BE MY SHOES.

Like I said, psycho.  P-S-Y-C-H-O.

For the record, I did not verbalize these thoughts.

I continually come back to this overwhelming feeling about just how unfair this whole disease is for me.  For all of us.  Even when I’m feeling better, even when I have a million things going on that are positive, I just can’t shake it.

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7 responses »

  1. How is it possible that someone who feels so crap can make me laugh so much, and yet you do. Hope you don’t hate me for that – but if it makes you feel better, go right ahead! :) Laurie

    • Laugh away!! I could never hate you at all for it! I really think its the only way we all stay sane sometimes. ;)

  2. Oh man totally empathise there. A perfectly great day gets ruined by the RA-thoughts invading my peace of mind. The thing that set me off this wekend was my healthy friends moaning about ‘sore feet, knees etc’. We’d spent the whole day walking around a theme park. I KNOW it’s totally my problem and not theirs, of course they can moan about a sore foot. But I just laughed darkly inside and thought ‘yeah.. the arthritic person isn’t moaning about it..yours will go away, you lucky buggers!’. RA sucks!

  3. Yes, I know the drill. The feeling bad, feeling good, feeling okay, and feeling down. Sometimes, we accept our inabilities and other times, our inabilities make us depressed. You are absolutely right about it being a vicious cycle.

  4. So, so true. Especially the when those healthy people are dismissive. “Oh it’s only arthritis. Just walk more and it will get better.” They don’t get that once you go past your mileage limit, all you can do is rest. They think it’s like their training, where they work through the pain.

    I have one friend who thinks I’ll suddenly be able to go running once I get my ankles replaced. Don’t I wish! I’ll settle for being able to walk and maybe get to wear shoes that aren’t sneakers or granny shoes.

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