Hopeful?

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I’ve had this awful feeling for the past five weeks of “just push through it.”  Telling myself “I know you don’t want to do it and I know you’re oh so tired but you have to do it anyways” about virtually every facet of my life has been exhausting.  And when I finish one of the things that I made myself go to, I am totally and utterly wiped.  Physically and emotionally. It is important to note that the things I’ve made myself go to with this mentality include but are not limited to: work, church, family functions, and early dinners with friends.

This weekend, I didn’t feel this way.

Friday after work, I went and got a massage.  I realized when I was undressing that I’ve been completely lax with certain things.  I’d like to publicly apologize to my massage therapist for the leg follage she had to touch.  And also for the thong.  I typically wear granny panties to massages so therapists don’t think I’m a whore…but I haven’t done laundry in three weeks so she should be grateful that it was at least clean.  Awkward.

I know you all were dying to know that. 

Then I had a quick dinner date with a guy I don’t really like.  Horrible, I know, but flare or no flare, it’s a recession and a girl’s got to eat.  Is it even more horrible that I totally dished about the RA to him in hopes of scaring him off?  And is the worst thing here that it didn’t phase him at all and while I should be impressed, I’m actually really annoyed?

Flares don’t necessarily bring out the best in me.

I was tired when I got home Friday evening and got in bed to watch a movie.  I actually slept through the night for the first time in a long time.  Yes,  I finally caved and took the Tramadol.

It was a hundred degrees here on Saturday.  I awoke mid morning to a text from a good friend asking if I’d like to go to the lake that afternoon.  I got up, made myself a cup of tea, and sat on the couch assessing my level of fatigue and the stiffness of my joints.  And then I had a rather uncharacteric (of lately) thought: why yes, I DO want to go to the lake today.  

Hhhhhmmmmmmm. Interesting.

The water at the lake was perfect and felt amazing on newly de-follaged legs and sore joints.  I’ve learned that my flares like heat. I was a little concerned about climbing in and out of the boat since I am weaker than normal but it wasn’t a problem.  My friends were concerned about weakness too and made sure I was always on either a tube or a raft and brought an ample supply of bottled water for me.

I hit a wall around 10 pm that evening but considering that I’d been outside since 3pm, that seemed pretty reasonable.  I was home and in bed by 11 and awoke still covered in lake water and SPF 2000 about 9am this morning.

I’ve been tired and sore today but not as much as usual and  I spent my day doing laundry and cleaning.

 Do you hear that sound? That sound? No, THAT one! What is that?

Oh right, the choirs of angels re: laundry.

6 responses »

  1. Actually sounds like a pretty good weekend. I understand “pushing through.” I have to do that too. I’m grateful my career gives me summers off.

  2. I am very glad that after all the fast and furious of life you got to rejoice a good time. Massage? umm… I crave for it some time from now. My massage is called “washing dishes” for now. I do not regret since I am the best at doing so, otherwise it would be doing it twice. At the end is all for good. Oh how I wish to have a Massage soon, very soon. Oh how I wish. Great post!
    ~Great post!
    ~Great Love to you,
    Mirian from peelingtheorange. “)

  3. Great post, Amanda. I was laughing along with your masseuse. Thank God for our really great friends, for they bring us out of our funk over and over. I had 2 friends/neighbors bring us over for homeade pizza and wine and great conversation. I almost skipped it b/c it was 8ish, and I was hitting my wall, but I’m so glad I made the effort of walking next door, and I know they did it on purpose – to get me out, but not overwhelm me. I am so grateful for the friends in my life. Unlike my family, they seem to accept the limitations of the disease, and don’t cry for my lost potential, but try to push me towards some potential I may want to ignore out of frustration. So I think it is fabulous that your friends keep dragging you out. It is ok to say no now and again, however. ;)

    Nice job getting your laundry done. I remember the days of being single and doing more shopping than laundry. LOL. Now I’m so domesticated, I even hang our clothes on a rack some days b/c I like the smell, and I’m on this save the environment kick. When we got our elec. bill, it was 100 dollars cheaper!! My husband and I almost fainted. I thought it would save a buck or 2, but I was honestly just doing it b/c I liked the smell – but 100 bucks! Time for this former single gal to do some shopping!

  4. Really glad you had a nice weekend – hope you continue to feel better. One question though.. how will you get out of a second date with that guy after the great success of the first one? :P

  5. Joan- I am so super jealous that you have the summer off. SO jealous!

    Miriam- I’ve been washing dishes too. Finally. But the way I see it, some people have expensive hobbies-me, I get massages!

    SB- For real on the friends AND the shopping! It sounds like you too had a lovely night! And I agree that friends encourage rather than are upset for you- I’m upset enough for me, don’t need more help on that! Ha!

    Cathy- thanks! And it keeps getting even hotter. (Shudder.)

    Squirrel-i thought I could use RA as my exit strategy. I was wrong. Entering phase 2- avoidance!

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