So, every year from Thanksgiving on, I focus on how much fun I’ve had that year, how sad I am to leave that year, and a very specific list of things I want to accomplish in the upcoming year.
This time last year, I had just predicted (accurately I might add) my company was going to tank and had decided that I wanted to move. I’ll be honest a year later that the move was more about a desperately needed change of scenery to get my head on straight again than a job. Having to simultaneously deal with a chronic diagnosis, the shock of the diagnosis, the suicide of a loved one, the fallout/litigation from the suicide, a brother’s deployment, worrying about how said brother was handling said family member’s suicide (happened a month after he returned), friends that were continually putting me in bad situations, and a few douchebags thrown in the mix…is a lot. And I was being pulled in about 400 different directions which was allowing me to quite successfully avoid dealing with any of them. I was pretty much just going through the motions.
My goals for 2009?
1. Get out of Greenville.
2. Get healthy- physically and emotionally.
3. Eliminate all bitchy and douchey people.
And well…mission accomplished.
It hasn’t necessarily been pretty. And that’s putting it nicely. Ironically, in spite of the physical, the hardest part has been #3. I wound up in tears on my birthday because of someone and (3 weeks ago!) was called” a spoiled little girl who uses guys to fill a void and feed an ego.” LOL. Taking a step back now, I wonder why in the world I was even friends with several people in the first place and oh dear God, isn’t the saying “you’re only as good as the company you keep?”
So, walking through Target this morning and seeing Christmas decorations threw me back into thinking about 2009 and what I want from 2010.
2009 has sucked. Totally. I’m not sad to see it leave. Sure, I’ve had some moments of pure fun and sure, I accomplished my goals and sure, I have totally set myself up both physically and emotionally to move on with my life, RA and all, better than I ever could have in Greenville with the circus down there. But getting to that place and finally dealing with all that crap has been extraordinarily painful. But painful in a good way….it needed to happen because I feared it would come down to deal with it now or massively implode at some point in the future.
I’m at a point where I’m ok with myself and I’m ok with the things that have happened to me. But I still feel a little breakable and I’m not willing to put myself in any situation that involves emotional stress or drama.
So rather than put pressure on myself with a very specific set of goals for 2010 that I will continually beat myself up about, I only want this: to finally be able to move on from ALL above situations and to finally feel like myself again.