Thoughts…

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I’ve been pretty reflective lately about a bunch of things; amongst them, the events and circumstances surrounding my diagnosis, and how I’m just kinda shocked about where I am in my life right now.  Don’t get me wrong- I’m doing good- it’s just if you’d told me ten years ago that today I’d be dealing with all of this, I would never have believed you.  In fact, sometimes I still am shocked and in a lot of ways, I still haven’t really dealt with a lot of the things I feel about my RA.

10 years ago, I was 19.  I was super active and probably too skinny.  I took dance lessons still (ballet and jazz) and I went to the gym to watch the hot guys play basketball.  I was kinda flighty and spacy, emotional and sensitive, and more interested in having fun than much else.  I hadn’t discovered running yet.  I’m pretty sure I thought that those aspects of my personality would still be there today.

10 years later, I’m trying so hard to be active. I have 10 pounds to lose although I’d love to lose 15.  I do lots of run walks.  I want to dance again so badly but I’m not sure if my feet can handle it.  I still go to the gym to watch the hot guys play basketball. Flightiness and spaciness has turned into sarcasm and witty banter.  Overly emotional and overly sensitive- things that would’ve upset me several years ago really hurt me today.  I think that’s actually the worst part.  

Don’t worry- I’m not in a bad time right now.  I’m just trying to process things.  I really miss the Amanda of 10 years ago. Heck, I miss the Amanda of 5 years ago.  I don’t think I’ve ever really stopped to mourn that loss so I guess that’s what I’m trying to do now.

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2 responses »

  1. It’s amazing how much things can change in just a few short years. I look at 10 yrs ago and wish I could do half the things now that I could do then. I gave up teaching dance about 5 yrs ago. I’ve never been a runner because of multiple surgeries on my left knee, starting when I was 16. I started dancing when I was in my 30s and started teaching dance in my 40s. Now my exercise is walking and training my dog. Great for the upper body and not too tough on the lower body joints.

    Best wishes as you find your way through the tangle. You’re in a better place that I was at your age — there wasn’t really anything much to slow the deterioration for me until recent years. You have that now :-) So you’ll be far better off at 50 than I am :-)

  2. I personally believe the mourning of the lost you is important and allows you to move to the new you. Although the new you might not be what you invisioned, I bet you are going to find there are some wonderful new things to learn about yourself. As much as I hate RA, I have a long list of good things that have also come from it. I hope the same for you!

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