I’ve been pretty reflective lately about a bunch of things; amongst them, the events and circumstances surrounding my diagnosis, and how I’m just kinda shocked about where I am in my life right now. Don’t get me wrong- I’m doing good- it’s just if you’d told me ten years ago that today I’d be dealing with all of this, I would never have believed you. In fact, sometimes I still am shocked and in a lot of ways, I still haven’t really dealt with a lot of the things I feel about my RA.
10 years ago, I was 19. I was super active and probably too skinny. I took dance lessons still (ballet and jazz) and I went to the gym to watch the hot guys play basketball. I was kinda flighty and spacy, emotional and sensitive, and more interested in having fun than much else. I hadn’t discovered running yet. I’m pretty sure I thought that those aspects of my personality would still be there today.
10 years later, I’m trying so hard to be active. I have 10 pounds to lose although I’d love to lose 15. I do lots of run walks. I want to dance again so badly but I’m not sure if my feet can handle it. I still go to the gym to watch the hot guys play basketball. Flightiness and spaciness has turned into sarcasm and witty banter. Overly emotional and overly sensitive- things that would’ve upset me several years ago really hurt me today. I think that’s actually the worst part.
Don’t worry- I’m not in a bad time right now. I’m just trying to process things. I really miss the Amanda of 10 years ago. Heck, I miss the Amanda of 5 years ago. I don’t think I’ve ever really stopped to mourn that loss so I guess that’s what I’m trying to do now.